30Aug/18

Stop … just STOP

Stop…. literally just STOP!

All too often we become so over stimulated by the world, our phones, our emails, texts, social media, television and on and on and on……

when do you take time for you.  I mean really step back and enjoy a simple moment in life.  it could be like me and taking a few minutes to watch my son peacefully sleeping.  probably more so because I’m shocked this little terror thats teething and screaming at me can be so peaceful lol.

I am finding it so easy to get caught back up in the rat race of go go go…. of feeling the pressure to produce at work while keeping a spotless house with every chore done and time to spare and sip a glass of wine.  HA!  what work do i live in that I think that’s a realistic expectation?  Clearly not reality.

The fist 6 months have taught me so much about myself and the world around me and the last 3 years have taught me about what’s really important.

I may not get everything done and half the time it wont be perfect, but I’ll get done what I need to get done WHILE taking time to stop and enjoy my life.

15Aug/18

There’s no safe time in pregancy

This is NOT a post that’s designed to be doom and gloom, but rather to put some light onto ‘waiting until its safe’ to announce your pregnancy.

One thing that I knew was a standard practice was waiting until you’ve reached the 12 week mark before you tell anyone you’re pregnant……why?  Because what if something happens and you miscarry?  (probability of miscarriage at 12 weeks drops to less than 5%)

I of course being facing my first pregnancy followed the rules and didn’t announce anything publicly until 12 weeks……fast forward 10 our 20 week scan and we measured as a perfect pregnancy in every way.  Minus being physically sick we were what every doctor dreamed of.  I was working out with no issues and life was good.  We couldn’t wait to meet our little girl.

Plus we were 1/2 way through the pregnancy and it was easy street…. right…..WRONG!!!

At 22 weeks while shopping for nursery decorations i noticed that the amount of liquid pooling in my underwear was far too much.  After talking to the doctors we rushed to the ER to discover that my water had broken and the likely hood of our baby surviving was slim to none. And sadly 24 hours later we gave birth to our angel baby who was perfect in every way, just born too soon.

Fast forward 6 months and we found out we were pregnant again…. and did I say anything?  NOOOOOOOO!  because what if…. and guess what at 8 weeks we lost the pregnancy and because I hadn’t told anyone no one really had to go through it with me again.  AKA i suffered silently (minus family and a few close friends)

So when we found out we were pregnant the third time I had a very F-it feeling when it came to making sure I didnt say anything too soon.  Why?  So I could go through the pain of loss alone again?  NO WAY- so at 7 weeks I announced I was pregnant and at 37 weeks we welcomed our angel baby.

It is not the social norm, but I am all for announcing your pregnancy as early as you want because you know when you become a mom??  The instant you pee on that stick and it read positive.  From that moment on you’re changing your entire life and how you live your day to day for that child.

Celebrate EVERY DAY you have them be i 1 or forever.  Our children our our children be it in heaven or on earth.

 

28Jun/18

The lost art of todo lists

I often get told that I’m balancing a lot and I certainly am, but so are lots of other people.  And there’s nothing quite like having a baby to put everything into perspective, and force you to get organized.

Here are the major things I have going on, in no particular order of importance:

  • I am a mom
  • I am a wife
  • I am a dog owner
  • I run a CrossFit affiliate
  • I run a non-profit working on getting girls into working out
  • I am a sister
  • I am a daughter
  • I am a life/accountability/personal coach

I’m sure there are roles I play that I’m forgetting, but in the 3 seconds I thought about it, those are the ones that came to mind.

How do I keep it all straight?  Lots of times I don’t, but when I do it’s because I have a notebook, yes an old school notebook.  I sit down daily and hand write a todo list for that day of my bare minimum to get done.  If I finish those 3-5 tasks the day is a success and anything over that makes me a super hero. 

I have ONE notebook for it all with tabs for different sections.  From my master notebook I make my daily todo in a separate notebook that includes tasks, appointments and more importantly my NAP!

I tried every app under the sun with zero success, it wasnt until i dusted off the old notebook that life made sense again

16May/18

Re*in*ven*tion

the action or process through which something is changed so much that it appears to be entirely new.

As I take a look at my life and all that I have been thru in the last decade it is easy to see that I am completely reinventing myself, in what way?  Basically everything and nothing at the same time.

As i sit with a 10 week old that’s thriving, a 7 year old dog that’s slowing down, nearing in on the 2 year anniversary of the death of my daughter, quickly approaching my 2 year wedding anniversary and my first business being 8 1/2 years old ……. i am NOT the same person I was 10 years ago.

Part of what I have struggled with recently is that I am not the person I used to be and trying to feel like I’m holding onto what I was vs celebrating what I am.

Thanks to some local resources and an awesome support network I am realizing that I am coming out of my cocoon and becoming a beautiful FALWED butterfly.

  • I am almost 36 years old
  • I am over weight from growing a human being
  • I created life and am sustaining life
  • I am strong (even if not as strong as I was)
  • I will grow from all I have been through and I will help others grow too
13Apr/18

I have officially ‘milked’ myself

Being just shy of 6 weeks postpartum I am quickly realizing how little I actually knew about being a mom and the human body…. well female body.

We said all along that our plan was to breast feed and we’ve been fortunate enough to have had a baby that had zero issues latching and with a little help from a pump in the beginning my milk came in and has stayed in.

Of course I will have to go back to work soon (going back at 8 weeks) and my husband will be left to care for our son.  that means that I have about 2 more weeks to build up a milk supply so he can bottle feed Luke breast milk while I’m away.

As if pumping isn’t strange enough…..I have also learned to self express aka….. milk myself.  Every drop you can get of breast milk is pure gold, so you want to get the most of out each session.  How do you do that?  At the end of each session you literally grab your own boob and work milk out.

Just when I thought I knew it all about motherhood I was quickly humbled by learning how to milk myself.

20Dec/17

Pregnancy and body image

We see pregnant women all the time and we often think…. what a cute bump…. shes looks so cute pregnant…..

But what happens when its you? One thing you think you prepare for is the mind games that will happen with your changing body in the 9….really 10 months…. you’re pregnant.

I can say I thought I was ready, but man o man was I not.  I understand I’m not ‘fat’ I’m growing a baby.  it doesnt make me feel any less like a hippo on a daily basis lol. My big shirts are crop tops now – i’m out of breath getting out of bed – god forbid I have to pick something up off the floor.

The crazy part to me is that I still have over 3 months to go.  I am pretty sure I’m going to just start falling over because my belly just keeps coming straight out.  I am certainly thankful that I’m really all belly vs gaining weight everywhere out of control.

One of the more frustrating part that I have found is that extreme fatigue I feel and of course still getting sick.  I used to workout to feel better and of course build muscle and everyday I crash hard and skip a workout because I’m just not feeling good I feel even more like a blob.

End of day Luke is worth it, but man can the day to day play games with your head sometimes.

14Nov/17

Pregnancy PTSD is Real

I had the best intentions to blog through my whole pregnancy, but I had not planned on being nearly as sick as I have been leaving little to no energy to sit down and write.

Now that I’m about 2 weeks into an anti-nausea med I am finding functioning as a normal human being much easier than before.

One of the biggest things I have found through the last 21 weeks is the sheer anxiety, stress and PTSD that come with a pregnancy after a loss.  Every day that passed all I wanted to do is get to 22 weeks,and every day I get closer my anxiety gets a little worse.

Every kick, non-kick, sickness, non-sickness, tired, energized feeling I have is terrifying.  It’s hard to not feel fear everyday that ‘what if today is the day? (as in something going wrong)”

We have gotten ultrasounds every two weeks, and we’re on a weekly progesterone shot and basically in a doctors office every week.  While I am beyond stressed, being constantly reassured that everything is going smoothly with no concerns is reassuring.

It is annoying that I can’t just be happy like most women that make it through 21 weeks, but I also am learning a lot about myself and managing extreme moments of stress.

My new goal is to get to 26 weeks where baby spinner will be able to go into a NICU should he decide to come early.

19Oct/17

Pregnancy is terrifying

We are officially 17 weeks and 6 days into our third pregnancy with hopes this one will end with our son in our arms happy and healthy. 

What no on can prepare you for is the pregnancy after you’ve lost 2.  Everyday we get closer to the 22 week mark, the week we lost baby Hope, the more excited and terrified we become.

Excited because statistically the farther you get the less likely it is that it will end in tragedy.

Terrified because we quickly learned that there is no safe time in a pregnancy.

We are comforted with bi-weekly ultra sounds and weekly progestrone shots.  Knowing that we are in a doctors office every week makes us feel comforted in knowing that we are litterally doing everything we can to protect this child.

My real count down is to 26 weeks……. why?  Because then he should be able to survive even if in a NICU his odds go up.  Until then every day I make it is a good day and one that I am grateful for while I’ll be biting my nails the next day.

27Jul/17

Caution….. baby in progress….

One of the first things that i thought upon finding out i was pregnant was ‘wheres the bubble wrap!’  Why?

Because after two losses in the last year I am so anxious and excited about making this work.  I know that 9 months of bed rest is unrealistic and incredibly unhealthy.  I also know that continuing to workout and lift the way I have been is also unrealistic.

Stress is directly linked to miscarriages and with the amount of stress I have on a day to day basis being a wife, step mom in a crazy arrangement, business owner, non-profit owner already…… working out is one more stressor that gets layered in. Our bodies don’t know the difference between good stress (working out) and bad stress (paying bills) so it reacts the same way.

So I have actively made the choice to back off in the gym because having a child in 9 months is more important than risking another miscarriage for a max deadlift today.  It is not the choice for everyone, but for me, and knowing my history, its the best choice for me.  Sacrifice today to benefit later.

22Jul/17

Why we didn’t wait to tell

My husband and I found out a week ago that we were expecting……. and with that came a HUGE bag of emotions, the biggest one being excitement.

Over the last year my husband and I have lost two pregnancies, one at 22 weeks and one at 7 weeks.  With both we waited until it was socially safe to talk about it.  Both ended in the same way…….. without a baby. With both the only thing that got me through was with the support of our loved ones keeping our pieces together.  

It’s an insanely crazy situation that pregnant women and couples get put into.  Be super excited your expecting…..but be afraid somethings going to go wrong….. keep it secret so others don’t have to feel your pain or loss.

The craziest part…… 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage for a wide variety of reasons.  Can you imagine how many women that leaves carrying this burden of disappointment alone or with a small few?  All because society said ‘wait until its safe to talk’

I say FUCK THAT!  I want to talk openly about pregnancy and with that all the risks, excitements, joys, fears and anxieties that come with it.  And you know what could happen…… we could lose this pregnancy….. and I’ll talk about that too!